“… let us love one another, for love comes from God… ” 1 John 4:7 Several years ago, there was a young boy who struggled with resentment toward his father. One day, he attended a funeral. The deceased was his friend’s father. The passing away was brought on by a strong addiction to alcohol. As you can imagine, a father who suffers from a drinking problem is not a role model to his son. Hurtful words are uttered, painful punches are delivered, fear is triggered, affection is overlooked, responsibilities are neglected, and trust is lost. All these become reasons why a child turns into a grown up before his natural timing.
This good friend who lost his father, touched the casket where the still body lay, and looking at his siblings uttered: ‘I have no regrets! I have no regrets!‘. In spite of all the wrong doing his old man did, he loved on him, and honoured him as a godly son should. He welcomed him into his home. He regularly spent time with him. Most of all, he forgave him and showed him unconditional love.
A gush of regret washed over the young boy’s head as he heard his friend’s words. His dad was not in a box. He still had a chance to mend this precious relationship, no matter what was the offence. He also wanted to be able to say one day ‘I have no regrets! I have no regrets!’
As long as there’s breath in our lungs, there is a chance to fix regrets by loving much.
How should we love without regret?
We’re going to look at this question from the perspective of 1 Corinthians 13. I’ll put the spotlight only on some of the attributes in this key passage.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV
1. Love without regret by being PATIENT
As a single adult. In talking to a lot of married couples, most of them have regrets about their life before saying ‘I do!’. So, stay pure while waiting with patience. Nowadays, lots of young Christians ignore passages that talk about this subject, saying ‘it’s old fashioned’. Waiting shows true love to the future spouse, by not indulging in selfish immediate desires that will later on bring natural consequences and regrets.
- “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Ephesians 5:3 NIV
- “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22 NIV
- “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12 NIV
As a parent. I prayed for patience, and God gave me kids. Our girls love buttons: fridge buttons, alarm system buttons, camera buttons… Nothing better to work on my patience than to have someone press my buttons 24/7. A great daily reminder is this verse: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1 NIV
As a spouse. Sometimes it’s easier to deal with a kid than with a spouse. You can’t put your spouse in time out when there’s a problem. (I’m not talking from experience! I need to say this just in case my hubby will read this. 🙂 ) Love with patience, even when love is not reciprocated. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 NIV
2. Love without regret by NOT BEING PROUD
Sometimes pride is in the way of fixing a problem. We are not willing to say ‘I am sorry! Please forgive me!’ because we are waiting for the other one to make a first step toward reconciliation. This happens as a result of my personal need to always be right. “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” James 4:10 NIV
3. Love without regret by NOT DISHONOURING OTHERS
- Honour your parents even as an adult. As grown ups we often act childish and disrespectful toward the ones who raised us. Just because we have a generational gap, or understand technology better, it doesn’t mean we’re wiser and we earned the right to speak without kindness. You don’t have to agree, but you have to give honour to whom honour is due. “Honour your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV
- Honour your marriage vows. As a couple prepares for their wedding day, they often spend lots of time trying to be creative in coming up with their vows. As soon they are repeated in front of God and all the witnesses, they tend to be soon forgotten. My husband had the idea to frame our wedding vows and to place them in a key spot where our eyes
would daily stumble upon them. It’s a great reminder of the promises we’ve made to each other.
- “I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered.“ Psalm 89:34 NIV,
- “Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4 ESV
- Honour your spiritual leadership. Be slow to judge and slower to accuse. Keep your pastors, elders, deacons, or mentors in your prayers, because they are just as human as anyone else. The devil prowls like a lion looking for opportunities for leaders to fail. “The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honour, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching.” 1 Timothy 5:17 NIV
4. Love without regret by KEEPING NO RECORD OF WRONG DOING
When there’s an offence, women can sometimes be hysterical and historical. Possibly some men might be wired that way too. (I’m harder on women because I am one of them 🙂 ) We may not remember what we had for breakfast, but we can give fine, exact, time-detailed specifics of how someone hurt us even years after the event.
We say, ‘I’ll let love cover this one.’ It’s an honouring decision, but only if it’s kept. We often find ourselves bringing up again and again the same mistake to the one who committed it.
True forgiveness is not forgetting things. (We’re not a computer where we click the DELETE button.) Godly forgiveness is not bringing up the issue. Once dealt with, forgiven or covered by love, it’s not mentioned again. It’s just that simple, but very difficult to apply.
Another great way of not being historical is to deal each day with its own problems. ‘Each day has enough troubles of its own.‘ says the Bible in Matthew 6. So, we need to solve today’s problems today. “… Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV I can humbly say, that this is one of our secrets in our joyful marriage. God gave my husband the wisdom to insist on solving problems quickly. In our 12 years of marriage, we do not remember going to bed until we came to a resolution, we asked for forgiveness, and said ‘I love you’s!’ We definitely had quite a few short nights. But, it was worth it in the long run.
5. Love without regret by PROTECTING
As a parent
- Protect your children by being open. Talk about anything. Let family be the safest environment to share without shame. If kids don’t feel comfortable at home, they will go find answers somewhere else. More than likely, in places you don’t approve of.
- Protect your children by setting boundaries. Today, electronic devices have become the babysitter. Children stop being creative, they lack patience, are too familiar with violence, and show little interest in genuine relationships. All of these, because they are so much into their own reality zone, that they are totally disconnected to real life. Help children keep their innocence a little longer.
As a person
- Protect your friendships by being genuine. “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9 NIV
Each night, when we put the girls to bed, we share what was the best thing that day, we pray, we cuddle, and we kiss good night. Few evenings ago, at bedtime, I hug tight our youngest. Looking into her green- expressive eyes, she whispers: ‘Mommy, I love you so much!’. Being carried away, I ask her: ‘Why do you love me, sweetheart?’. Her answer was simple: ‘Because love is a choice mommy.’
Not sure if I should feel flattered by this answer or not, but it spoke great truth. Love is a choice! I choose to LOVE without regrets.
Things I need to work on:
- Remember: LOVE IS A CHOICE! So, genuinely act in love even when I don’t feel like it!
- At the end of my life, or someone else’s life, I want to be able to say ‘I have no regrets!’.